Thursday, May 31, 2007

ordinary life pictures

Study the chocolate chip banana bread.
Attack the chocolate chip banana bread (because your mommy has her priorities screwed up and thinks taking pictures is more important than giving you more food).
Conquer the chocolate chip banana bread.
I came out of the bedroom the other morning to find this. It's a good thing he's cute.

miracles of modern technology

I don't know what this drug is, and I am certainly not endorsing it. But seriously guys, it's a mouse pad that's also a note pad. I just can't stand it!

out of my comfort zone

I am currently pissing off at least one person, perhaps two, and I don't really mind. I never sit near people I don't know. I don't even sit near people I do know. There's that unwritten rule that there must be at least 3 feet of space between all parties. But I am at Panera (again), and I don't want to sit at a table. Some fool took the spot I always sit in--against a wall and very close to the soda machine) and this was my only option for a comfy booth seat. The lady to my right is probably blogging about me right now. There are so many people here with laptops. I feel so trendy. Too bad I look like a slob. =)

No Grey's tonight. No nothing. I may have to do something enriching, like read. Or go out to dinner with my mom. Whatever.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

turkeys and burgers

Good day. Wednesdays are science days for our class. We go to a regular ed room to learn about germs and nature and whatnot. Gives our kids a chance to mingle with new people and be around a larger group. Anyway, today we started our frog unit. One of the teachers went and collected tadpoles from a pond and brought them in. It's pretty cool how the little ones aren't afraid to grab them and "pet" them. Can you pet a tadpole? So we're going to watch them grow over the summer. Last time we had some in all four stages at one time in the tank. Very cool. We also watch caterpillars turn into butterflies. I think it's so important to do those kinds of things with little kids. I still remember very clearly feeding a calf milk from a giant bottle, holding a piglet, and watching a chick start to hatch. Amazing. What I don't understand is why kids don't catch on more quickly to the idea that they are eating the animals they love so much. I mean, I can understand hamburgers and bacon. But chickens are cut up and cooked into chicken. And turkeys are cut up and cooked into turkey. This kid I used to work with told me very dramatically one day that he would not eat turkey on Thanksgiving because that is just mean. He wanted a hamburger instead. I just smiled and said I thought that was very nice of him. Then he stuck his arms straight out in front of him, crossed his eyes, and began "speaking mummy" as we entered the elevator to go down for lunch.

Lion (LauraA) filled me in on Project Runway. It is my favorite. It is one of the reasons I pay for cable. It is not on until the end of fall/beginning of winter this year. That kind of makes me sad because I need something fresh to offset all of the season finales. By the way, what is up with House dumping it's entire cast??? Can they do that?

Monday, May 28, 2007

from the national cemetary near san fransisco

nothing to do with memorial day

If you met my son, you probably wouldn't think that getting him to put an object in his mouth and chew on it would be a difficult task. is. Because if you want him to put it in his mouth, then it must be bad. And if it's just laying around in the dirt, then it must be good. I have been trying for weeks to get him to chew on pieces of rope in order to collect his saliva for Stanford. But he wants nothing to do with it. Why is my son's saliva a hot commodity? Because they are looking at cortisol levels (a stress hormone) in kids with FX. But I guess my little guy will not be able to help them. He has made it very clear that he opposes the whole idea.

Random question--Does anyone know if Project Runway is coming back and when? Am I living in a black hole? Why have I not heard?

Sunday, May 27, 2007

hooray hooray hooray!

Jennie found a site that sells Ducky!!!! I am buying two. Next time he barfs on it in the middle of the night or I leave it at school, I will have a back-up. My big question (and everyone else's) is whether or not he will notice. The back-ups will be much brighter and better smelling for sure.
AND she found me a free vacumn! I'm just going to send her some moola for shipping, and she is going to find a box. AND there is another something on its way. Best day ever!
Little man took a nap from 3pm-6pm, so we are on our bazillionth viewing of Toy Story (after Nemo). I should not let him watch all this TV.... but we did go on like four walks to do laundry and blew bubbles and ate popsicles. So it's not like we spent the ENTIRE day on the couch.

shoes on parade

The newest pair--bought them yesterday. Love the light-up sandals!
Such a stud in these. Very "big kid." And they are wide, which is good cause he has his momma's square feet.
Got to pick these out at Christmas from The Salvation Army Toy Drive. Again, light-up. The velcro went bad fast, which was not good because it was very distracting and irritating to Punkin.
These look like giant shoes in this picture. $7 at Penney's.
"Spi-man!" We heart these, but they are already too small--I only bought them a few weeks ago.

Church was a little crazy today, but not as bad as last week. He laid on his back on my lap with half his body upside down throughout the sermon. Loves being upside down. And then right after the sermon he fell asleep. The really bad part about church? I accidently wore a shirt with a rip in the back--and David insisted we go up for the children's message, so everyone saw my ripped shirt! The really good thing about church? We made it out without any donuts!

Saturday, May 26, 2007

mood killer

I gotta say, I really didn't mean to ruin the mood today at Victoria's Secret when Punkin and I came barreling in with our race car rental stroller and smoothies. I just wanted to buy some bra straps! I was the maid of honor in a wedding about a month ago (the one where I looked like a country music star), and I lost the straps for my $45 convertible bra. Brand new, bought just for the wedding convertible bra. I am now in love with this bra, and having spent almost 10% of my paycheck on it, I really wanted some new straps! So I'm sorry that my happily screaming two year old with a slobbery face interefered with your lingerie shopping, but that's what happens when you are only focused on lace and underwires--babies!

But then again, after seeing his adorable smile and hearing him politely ask, "More pease?" (while signing please), who wouldn't want one? Maybe they were going home to make a little punkin of their own! Good luck!

Speaking of adorableness--

He is walking a string. The hated string! He was even dragging it behind him in a circle like a dog chasing his tail! I tried to capture the moment, but I was too slow. Then, he walked right over to his cubbies, put the string and some beads away--with no prompting--and scurried off to bed to find his nuk. He even gave an enthusiastic, "ya!" when I asked if he wanted to go night-night. All in all, a good Saturday.

Friday, May 25, 2007

the good, the bad, and the ugly

GOOD: The "cozy corner" at the little guy's school is working out great. He is going there to chill out, and he even has tons of fun working on fine motor and related skills with his teacher over there. Everyone is getting happier.
BAD: In addition to getting bit today, he fell and bit his lip. Ducky got all bloody cause he chewed on him, and then my beautiful white sweater got all bloody. Nice.
BAD: So today I got to be three people at work. I love that. I am an aide in a 3,4,5 special ed room. We only have 9 kids (8 today since one of them barfed repeatedly in front of me yesterday). We are also supposed to have 2 aides in the room, but since one left in March to get married, we only have the lovely me. Anyway, the teacher was gone today, and we had a sub. There are two types of subs. There are those who come in and sort of follow the lesson plan throughout the day, either because they don't understand the plans or because they want to do their own thing. And there are those who come in, glance at the lesson plan, and decide to sit back and "follow your lead." That is code for, "I have no intention of working today. I will not be referring to this paper again at any point today." So I got to be the teacher, the aide who is missing, and myself. At least the day went quickly. And maybe I wouldn't have cared so much, but the kids were insane. INSANE. Their limbs were flying everywhere. Their voices had no mute button--or even a little bit of volume control. And they whined. "He took it from me. He looked at me weird. It smells in the bathroom."
GOOD: It's a three-day weekend. Hooray!
GOOD: Fabulous respite workers! She even washed the supper dishes. And David clearly liked her because she said he came over and sat on top of her while they watched Toy Story. So cute.
GOOD: I played volleyball--first time in about a year. It was sand volleyball at a very ... er, interesting bar. Whenever I go there I think of the line from Sweet Home Alabama, "You have a baby. In a bar." You get the idea. Lots of mullets. (That's the ugly.) We didn't win, but it was way fun and some good exercise.
BAD: Serious anxiety overtaking my brain! But I have lots of people to lean on, so no big worries, really.
BAD: The vacuumn sucks, or rather doesn't.
GOOD: It is bedtime!
UGLY: My arm after playing sand volleyball. I think I may need an iron supplement. It is not pretty.


His teacher and I assumed that he had bit himself because of his history of biting and where it's located. But today he got into an altercation with another boy and the boy bit him on his other arm. So who knows. Either way, ouch. Best book ever! Very easy to understand. Any other suggestions, mommies? I borrowed this from someone a while ago, but I finally bought my own copy and it came today!

i broke the cake

I managed to cover it up with some frosting and sprinkles, but there really is a huge break all along the length of this funfetti masterpiece. Oops.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

hump day

I gotta say that The Idol Golden Awards may be the highlight of my night.

I had the big parent-teacher conference today. Isn't that funny--he is 28 months old and he has a parent-teacher conference! When he was six weeks old and starting preschool, he even had a locker! I would post a picture of said locker, except that it is on the broken computer. =( No worries--all info and pics are salvagable, I just need to bug the guy who said he would do it for me.) Anyway, his conference went well. Of course it lasted about 40 minutes because I can't shutup. But I like the system they use to evaluate kids. It includes pictures of them in the classroom demonstrating various skills. I have one from 4 months, 8 months, 12 months, 18 months, 24 months, and now. Very cool to see all of the changes, and get a glimpse of his day. And even though he wasn't meeting most of the milestones, the overall tone was very positive and all of the pictures showed him being successful. The language of the report is very accessible, and the format is easy to follow. Much easier than the reports from psychologists, I must admit!

Anyone want to give me a new job? Something with benefits and no weekends and a chance to use the pricey college tuition for which I am still paying? And perhaps a decent salary to pay off said tuition. I have a degree in English and History (okay, you can chuckle) and a minor in Women's Studies (did I hear you snort while you laughed?). I know, I least it's not philosophy. =) (Seriously, stop laughing at me! I don't wanna go back to school. No no no no. No.)

Later gators,
the other lion

a little different than last time, but this was clearly a shorter test

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive.

Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

a little random

I am unable to watch people embarass themselves on TV. I just tried to watch that future director show on Fox, but the stammering made me crazy! Then I found Wonder Years, but again the show is all about how he says and does the wrong thing at the wrong time. No luck entertaining myself. I think I am stuck with housing shows.

seriously, how am i gaining so much weight?

If I am constantly chasing the Kiddo, lifting him up (32 pounds) to put him back into bed (his mattress must be extra springy--he just keeps bouncing back up!), and bouncing on his therapy ball, why am I growing in years and pant sizes? I think part of it is that he eats slower now and needs less help than he used to, freeing up more time for me to shovel it down and get seconds before my body has time to realize it's full. The other part remains a mystery--it couldn't possibly be the cheese balls and beer. Everyone knows the alcohol kills the calories and you share the cheese balls, making them 1/3 less fat. Duh. So clearly it is some freak condition for which there is a cheap, one-time pill I can take to make it all go away. =)

Bored with Idol tonight. Bored with The Bachelor thing. Bored Bored Bored Bored.

Went to a family night at the preschool. Very fun. They had a petting zoo. Even if I had brought my camera, there would have been no opportunity for pictures. He insisted that I hold him except for about 15 seconds, during which a small goat approached him and the Kiddo starting biting his wrist and turning away in fear. So that was enough of that. It was pretty cute, though, when he saw the ducks. And he called everything else a horse. Afterwards he walked right up to his friend "Deddie" and sat down to eat THREE hot dogs. After each dog he would run up to his teacher (working at the food table) and yell, "Manada!!"
Did I complain about gaining weight? Hmmm. Maybe some ice cream will make me feel better.

Monday, May 21, 2007

monday monday

Look at my poor, pasty leg!

And you thought I was exaggerating--this is what my son does to me in church! I've wised-up and taken to removing his shoes (and socks because he insists) whenever I have to contain him like that because he has big feet and strong legs. Low muscle tone my butt. That kid can kick!

Apparently Punkin felt he needed to defend himself: gbk,op'[;p;yuhjerdcrwdi['p;

But I am a good mommy. I even cooked! From scratch--there were no bags or boxes or cans involved! I even sliced a pineapple! Check it out:

Sunday, May 20, 2007

not sure what to say today

Very chill day, really. Went to church. I wish I could find adequate words to describe Punkin's behavior during church. Some days, like today, there are no words. Fidgety. No--that's too mellow. Crazy is a strong possibility. Exhausting--that describes the effect on me. ? ? ? Busy. But doing what? He wasn't playing. Hmmm. Busy spazzing out. Busy looking like that scene in Tommy Boy where they crash the car on purpose, get out and scream "the bees, the bees!" and smack themselves in the face and kick their legs and flail their arms everywhere so that the police are too afraid to approach them. Kinda like that. But on my lap. And then he wanted to go up for the children's message. And I thought it would be good for him to get out of his seat. So we're up there and he goes "pooped" and does his little "i just pooped shiver." Right up there in front of the altar. Nice.
After church I ate a delicious club sandwich at Wendy's and we went home to nap. Then I did some laundry and spent a bunch of money at the grocery store. $14 for a box of 80 Luvs diapers. I love it!
Now he's supposed to be sleeping, but he keeps coming out to check on me. I wish I could help him calm down. I just don't know what else to do! AHHH.
Okay, have a good Monday all.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

little miracles

The kiddo just imitated the kids on Little Einsteins! All of the sudden I hear "ahhhhhhhhhh," and I look over and he has his hands in the air. And I look at the TV, and the little blonde girl has her hands in the air and is saying "ahhhh." I think they were helping Purple Plane fly. So cute.
Thursday he held up a blue shape from the shape sorter and said, "blue." A fluke? I don't know, but we sure celebrated anyway! Everything was blue after that!

This crazy contraption was on sale. Lights up and spins. Need I say more?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

by popular demand: the poop shirt story

So this one time my friender LauraV called and said we should go to the park with Punkin'. So after loading up our water bottles and saturating the pale-as-his-momma kiddo in sunblock, we headed out. After enjoying the swings (For about 2 seconds--the slide is way cooler, mom. It's what all the big kids are doing! Come on, get me outta this thing!) we made our way to the slides and the climbing toys. After I had fourteen mini heart attacks following him around, we decided it was time for a leisurely walk around the park in the stroller. Now, I am all for people loving their doggies and taking their doggies to the park and blah blah schma schma schma. But seriously, could You Please Be Bothered To Bring Some Baggies For The Offensive Excrament. Because when you don't, people who are walking their kiddos in strollers roll over said poo and don't realize it and fold up the stroller and it gets all over their shirt and they have to make an emergency run to their friend's house who happens to be having a very important phone call but lets you in anyway to loan you a new, non-pooey shirt because you live about 20 minutes away from the park and you and your friender LauraV want to stop and buy wine and Taco Johns on the way home.

And then, about two weeks later, you open up your trunk and are greeted with a delightful aroma--The Poop Shirt.

L-O-V-E (yes, mom, i am still single. jennie had this on her blog, and i thought it was interesting.

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

My Detailed Results:
Quality Time: 9
Acts of Service: 6
Words of Affirmation: 6
Physical Touch: 6
Receiving Gifts: 3

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

Wednesday, May 16, 2007


So just as I finished writing to his teacher, "He went to bed easier tonight, so hopefully that is a good sign for tomorrow," I heard "thumpthumpthumpthump" from him hitting his heals against the wall in the bedroom. Turkey. Maybe I should call him Turkey instead of Punkin'. Still a Thanksgiving theme, but perhaps a bit more fitting. My mom says it's payback.

I guess he's claimed a specific yellow triangle on the circle carpet at school. Whether someone told him to sit there at some point or he just saw in it a potential that the orange squares, green circles, and other yellow triangles were missing, he chose it for his own. And ya better not try and sit there. Cause my guy ain't backing down from his yellow triangle. Uh uh no way. (BTW, no one has an assigned seat on the carpet. He is seriously doing this to himself.)

the queen of clean

Spring has invaded my brain. I could not stop yesterday until I had the living room closet completely cleaned out. I even considerd mopping and dusting, but decided against it because it was nearing 10:30pm. And I had to have everything put back before I would be able to sleep. But look at all of the boxes headed for Goodwill!

Now look at my organized closet! I am in love! LauraA--I know what you are thinking. This closet rivals your bedroom.

all i can think is, 'i need to paint the chair white so it matches the desk.'

A ridiculous picture of the kiddo. I have no idea what is going on here. He has a new-found love for his Valentine Elmo. He insisted on bringing him to school today, and even got him out of his cubby to dance with him on the carpet during circle time. That makes a mommy proud! I have to say, though, that while I like Valentine Elmo (he says, "Elmo needs a hug, and then when you hug him he rewards you by giggling), he looks a little teensy bit creepy when the hearts in his eyes light up.
Got the results back from Stanford. Nothing earth-shattering, but helpful anyway.
Do you see that he has the nuk, and it is not night-night??? Oops.
On another note, I don't think I will be switching pre-schools. I decided that I am in love with his teacher, and if I moved him I would want it to be until Kindergarten. And I think we would lose too many valuable services doing that.
Plus, his teacher has really put up with a lot from us and is still energetic and kind and always available.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

best baby ever!

Didn't my baby (with some help from Oma) pick out the best present?? It's the one farthest to the right. I love these Willow Trees! My friend gave me the first one when I was pregnant, then my mom and sister gave me the next two for my last birthday. I especially like the one where their heads are touching 'cause punkin always did that. And then I got the last one today! The super-cute bowl is from my dad. Good job, huh? Brought it to me with flowers after the little guy was born. (And he brought a floppy puppy dog for baby. So cute!)

It's been a good day, but a little stressful because we weren't home much. The little guy is getting worse and worse at dealing with being away from home. So by the time we went to church and Sunday School, ate lunch at a family-owned place, and took a very late nap, he did not want to leave again to go back to Oma and Opa's to hang out with a bunch of our friends. He actually looked at the room full of people, shouted "no!" and buried his head in my shoulder. Now he is happily chilling out with Woody and the rest of the Toy Story gang before bedtime. He keeps grinning at them like they're in on some joke. Sometimes I just wish I knew what he was thinking!

check it out

I added quite a few more sites to my FX links--check them out, especially if you are an FX mommy. A lot of places have research opportunities available. We just did one at Stanford--got a free trip to CA and met some amazing people!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

yes, my son has a pink purse

He just wants to be like mommy! He carried this purse around the living room for a good 10 minutes. And I showed him how to put the pretend wallet (full of sample credit cards I get in the mail ) and cell phone inside.

At school he went over and showed me the dollhouse. "House." Then he ran over to the bucket of people and said "duys!" (guys) and took them to the house. But you could tell he didn't know what to do next. So I showed him how to put the guy night-night on the bed. He thought that was pretty cool. I love to see the imaginative play even in the smallest amounts--even if I have to show him what to do. And I love that he loves purses!

best mom ever

Not me--my mom is the best mom ever! She not only babysat tonight at the last minute so that I could go to Comedy Sportz (hilarious), but she gave me money to go! I did butter her up this morning, though, by bringing her a magnetic Cubs can coozie and a Bagel Pack from Panera. The can coozie is so cool--it really hangs on your fridge (or riding mower??)! Of course I was a little teensy bit crabby at the Beaux Arts Festival........... It's all a give and take, right? So the punkin is having a sleepover with Oma and Opa, and I am in the apartment alone. Weird.

Can someone please save me from my allergies??? Punkin has even started imitating my "achoo, achoo, achoo!"

Friday, May 11, 2007

"There's a snake in my boot!"

Toy Story and Toy Story 2 arrived today!!!!!!

Had a very difficult talk with someone today. It went better than expected, and I never cried or got emotional at all. I was very calm and rational and diplomatic. Now I think I deserve to have a drink later as a reward.

Random question: Do you wash new clothes before you wear them? My mom insists on it, but I am the opposite. I hate washing them for the first time because I feel like they are never the same after that. This policy excludes swimsuits. Gross.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I always think, "I'm not sure I have anything to blog today."

And then I am rushed, quite rudely, back to Holland.

Exhibit A: The Offensive String. I know, you probably can't see it. But it's there. Trust me. I was sitting nicely on the couch enjoying a soda when a horrified "eeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh" whined from the bedroom.
"Ehhhhhh. Off!"
"What off?"
"Ehhhhh. Off! Off!"
"Wha-oh, the string? String off?"
He better be asleep and all those strings better be hiding because Grey's is starting in about 10 minutes.
Holland is always a fun trip, though. Plenty of laughs, that's for sure.
p.s. The grungy looks-like-it-used-to-be-yellow thing in the corner is Ducky, punkin's BFF.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

me, as a country music star (or a bridesmaid, whatever)

I have nothing to say! I thought I did, but I have been staring at the computer for about 40 minutes. Later.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Stop. Mommy Time.

Get it. Mommy time. Like "Hammer Time." I so funny!

I think every mommy should get respite care. I am loving this. I just enjoyed a ceasar sandwich on an asiago bagel and am surfing the net with my new laptop via free wi-fi. This activity is not toddler friendly. So exciting.

I was a zombie at work today, and so was the teacher I work with. We did nothing academic. We just played all morning, went to the library, went to recess, ate lunch (it's teacher appreciation week so we got pizza), read a book, and put the kids down for a nap. I almost earned my $9.40 an hour.

Punkin is struggling at school, but I think some progress is being made. It's so hard because I feel like I have to teach everyone how to work with him when they should know already. Why am I teaching his teacher??? Why am I teaching his pediatrician??? Why??? The sad part? It is just the beginning.

The coolest thing about this blog thing? I am meeting more and more Fragile X mommies! Hooray! So read their blogs, too. They are amazing women.

I think I have lost all my brain power now. I need to run to the video store to see if I can rent Toy Story on DVD. My VHS of it started fading and then Toy Story 2 got eaten alive by my VCR, which also broke. And the little guy just can't cope with the change in his routine. We ALWAYS watch "Woody" after school, and he keeps asking for it and crying. Ei Ei Ei. I ordered DVDs online, but we have to wait for them to ship. Life is rough when you're two. I mean, think about it. A two loves doing things over and over and over again. And kids with FX/autism love to do things over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. And he is a two with FX. It is not pretty at our house. He repeated "off, off" and pointed to the rug I inconsiderately and irrationally decided to move from the bedroom to the living room until I finally yanked it off the floor and returned it to its rightful home.

k. bye.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Tagged--8 Things!

Jennie tagged me. So here's 8 random things about me!

Eight Things

1. I have a full mutation of the FMR-1 gene that is fully methylated (shut off)--just like punkin. So my one X doesn't make a protein that my body needs for development. But since I'm a girl, my other X chromosome happens to make up for it. (It doesn't in all girls.) And, like the doctor at Stanford said, I have lots of other genes, too--not just the FX one. =) And so does punkin.

2. Punkin and I have exceptionally stinky feet at the moment.

3. When I was pregnant, my dad called punkin "Enzo, " as in "Enzo Ferrari."

4. I once dressed up as Phoebe from Friends for Halloween.

5. I am addicted to buying children's books.

6. I keep Diet Coke with lime in my fridge even though I despise diet soda just for my mommy and my friends.

7. Again, I indulged in some jellied cranberry sauce last night.

8. I love taking photos, but not of people (besides punkin).

Now-- Sarah has to do it!

Saturday, May 5, 2007

i threw away the chocolate bunny--it looked old

i don't want you to come visit and say cute little cliche phrases to my son and take pictures of him to show off to your friends so you can pretend you're a dad for a day and invade our space. you don't deserve it. you do not have an inherent right to anything just because of biology. you are not a father. i change his diapers and sing "itsy bitsy spider" over and over again so he'll lay still and i let him barf all over me when he's sick and i wipe his tears and hold him in the middle of the night when he's had a bad dream and i wake up at 5:30 even when i'm too tired to make him eggs and french toast and i arrange for his schooling and for babysitters if i could ever afford one and i wash his dishes and pick up his toys and teach him sign language and how to dress himself and brush his teeth and fight with his school to make sure they're meeting his needs and I AM HERE. I am Present in his life and I do Real Mom Things. so when you send an easter package 3 and 1/2 weeks after easter and e-mail saying that you want to arrange something about taking professional pictures and coming to visit and in the back of your mind are assuming you will be taking him out on your own during said visit (i know this from your mother) I Want To Tell You to forget about us.

i need you to love him

I do not need you to say you are sorry. I am not sorry.

I do not need you to tell me he will be okay. Of course he will be okay. I am a good mommy.

I do not need you to tell me "you never know." I do know. I don't need to feel hopeful that my child's future will change--that it will be a miraculous phenomenon that defys all odds. That he will "get better." He doesn't have the flu. And he is already a miracle.

I love my child with Fragile X Syndrome just like you love your child with red hair or chubby legs or freckles or crooked teeth or a bad attitude.

He is already everything he needs to be.

letter to baby

My love,

If I could do one thing for you it would not be to take your disability away because that is God's plan for you. And it would not be to give you millions of dollars to buy millions of things because it all rusts over and is lost even before we die. And it would not be to give you faith that moves mountains because you have that already. Besides, it is not mine to give. It is your gift to accept.

I would do something lasting.

Something that would elevate, educate, and inspire others. Give them joy and a taste, at least, of peace. Just like you give me every time you smile or blow a kiss or squeal at your reflection in the mirror.

I would work to tell everyone about Fragile X. I would work to make the testing mandatory for all babies--part of the routine blood tests they perform now.

You are a blessing. I need--I feel absolutely compelled--to continue that blessing through my endeavors.
I wish this made sense.

I just love you so much. And my heart is breaking with all of the dreams I have for you. For us. Birthday parties. Airplane rides. First day of school. Going to the movies and buying a popcorn that's almost as big as you are. Sleeping in on the sofa bed on Saturday mornings because we stayed up late watching TV.

I don't feel sad for you or about you. Not about your disability and not because your dad is absent. And I don't feel sad for your dad. And I don't feel at all guilty for not marrying him. Because the relationship he had to offer was not good enough.

mr. paisley

oh, opa

Bless my dad's heart for babysitting without any notice instead of going to a fun concert. That being said........

When I took off punkin's jammies this morning he was wearing a swim diaper.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Maybe it was the cowboy hat...........

My mom called and said, "Drop everything, we're going to a concert."
"But who's going to babysit?"
'Your dad. He doesn't know it yet, but he is."

Maybe it was the cowboy hat, or the energy of the concert, but I like Brad Paisley a lot more now than before I left for the concert. He's pretty hilarious and definitely a great performer. I especially enjoyed "I wanna check you for ticks" during which Kellie Pickler (American Idol) and Taylor Swift (amazing 17 year old singer/songwriter) came on stage in giant tick costumes.

On a completely different note, I really need a new vacuumn...vaccumn....small appliance used to suck up dirt and small particles of yuck from one's carpet. Any advice?

I killed my first spider of the spring. Roar.

My dad had fun babysitting. We brought him a slice of pecan pie as payment.

10 Things

1. The Girl's Next Door. How can I even begin to explain my love for this show? I really think I would like to drink with these ladies. At first I wasn't convinced, but the more I watch it the more I like them.

2. Jellied Cranberry Sauce. It only recently occurred to me that this can-shaped delight is available year-round, not just at Thanksgiving. I am eating it by the can as I ogle over Holly, Bridget, and Kendra.

3. Panacea. The only word I wasn't able to define during a language test Stanford gave me during our trip there for the Fragile X study. It really irked me because I could pronounce it, I knew I has heard it and read it and understood it, but I just couldn't think of what it meant. Roar. It means a cure for all diseases and problems. I won't forget it now.

4. Elmo's Potty Time. One of many movies the punkin is addicted to watching, and I am addicted to letting him watch so that I can do things like make dinner and blog and wash dishes in peace. OH--and even better than discussing peepee and poopoo-- Veggie Tale's Lord of the Beans. It's a veggie farce of The Lord of the Rings. Right now we're watching Finding Nemo. And even though I've watched it every day for four days, I still giggle every time they call the boat a butt. "I'm gonna go touch the butt!"

5. Ice cream out of a plastic cup. Similar to beer out of a plastic cup, it just tastes better. Try it. I think the chocolate syrup distributes itself a little differently. Plastic, though. Not styrofoam.

6. Sponge Bob Macaroni and Cheese. Like the ice cream and beer, the basic product is the same as the original, but it's just CHEESIER. I think it has to do with the noodles. More cheesy crevices or something.

7. The Dollar Store. These things are genious! I bought the punkin 5 books, a coloring book, bubbles, and myself some wrapping paper for less than $10. There is no excuse for parents not to buy books for their kids when they are this cheap.

8. DHS Mommy. I am $40 over the limit to receive food stamps and struggling to figure out how to budget for groceries.

9. Dance. David's latest amusement. I imagine him thinking "Look what I can get my mommy to do!" He dances, then I have to dance. Now we've added "freeze" and "spin" to the game. Why am I paying for a gym membership?

10. Nuk is for night-night. My daily mantra, as much to convince me as it is to convince punkin that he does not need his plastic piece-0-heaven every second of the day.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

punkin's mom

the thing is, i keep reading other people's blogs all day long and i think about what i would say on my blog and how it would be so freeing and uplifting to type to no one. so here i am. unable to think of even one brilliant thing to say.

i am twenty four years old. i live in a one bedroom apartment with my two-year-old masterpiece (a boy) whom i will call punkin. punkin has fragile x syndrome. actually, i have it too, but it affects me in much milder ways than him. most people don't know what it is, so it's okay if you don't. but it's not okay to keep on not knowing. so go to the link already. it very well may affect you some day.

i am a single mom. don't start pitying me, though. i chose to be a single mom. i could be in an awful marriage right now if i had chosen that. but i didn't. i broke off the wedding, and i haven't thought twice about it. so don't get mad at his dad for leaving me when i got knocked up. i left him. and yes, i do have a college degree. so don't ask me how much school i have left. i was lucky. it happened at the end of college. and don't ever judge any mom for choosing her baby over her education because i don't know how they do both.

i am a writer, though you may doubt that right now because of my ineffective ramblings. but this is a new blog, and i need time to warm up. oh, and sometimes capital letters seem too foreboding. that's why they are absent. i'm not lazy, and i'm not trying to be e.e. cummings. i'll probably use capital letters a different day. but not tonight.

i am a teacher's aide in a special ed preschool room. so basically between work and punkin i change diapers, teach sign, attempt to change problem behaviors, clean, and do laundry all day. but i only work from 7am to 2pm, and on thursdays in the summer we swim in little kiddy pools all day. it's really not that rough.

my dream job would be to edit other people's writing all day. help them say what they really want to say. i do not want to stay home with punkin all day, though i miss him big most days at work, cause i'm pretty sure we'd drive each other crazy.

i'd also like to teach parents how to work with their kids on learning language skills and managing behavior. but i think i would become angry and discouraged very quickly because of the children's parents. people tell me i should be a teacher, but i don't know. i don't think i have thick enough skin.

oh--the name of the blog. well, in college i used to barge into my bff's dorm room (next door) and "Roar" (literally) about life. one day she called me lion. and i called her the other lion. because she "Roared" back. but then if i wrote her a note or addressed her, she was lion and i was the other lion. get it? so we're both "the other lion." shutup i don't care if you don't get it.