Monday, September 3, 2007

so much to say today

He LOVES this stupid box. I have no idea why he has a pacifier--I didn't even really see it until I took the picture.
I always make sure to snap a photo of something really unsafe but totally cute before telling him to stop.
The second chair is for me. What a thoughtful little guy.

I don't remember really going through a nesting period while I was pregnant. (Jimmy, I am talking about when a woman is about 8-9 months along and she goes nuts cleaning, organizing, and overall preparing for the baby.) So I think I am going through a very delayed nesting period now. Particularly this weekend. I have cleaned every surface. I moved the furniture to vacuumm. (Why can I not ever spell that word right?) I dusted. I want SO BADLY to clean the carpets. And if I had a shop vac, and the humidity dropped a few thousand percents, I'd be all over the car. I have BAKED twice. TODAY. I made cookies this morning and banana bread this afternoon. But, take a sigh of relief, as I am still the same old girl. I totally forgot about the second batch of cookies, and I have no idea how long the bread was in the oven or if I even set it to the correct temperature.

And now on a completely different note:
I feel a big need to talk about an elephant in the room. Last week I mentioned that I needed a wingperson. I didn't feel, at the time, like getting into the big D topic. Dating. Bleh. So I said "person." Clearly I meant I need a wingMAN. But I don't want to date. I mean, I don't want to go through a whole bunch of people trying to figure out who is right with me. What I want is to meet the person. I want what God wants. A partner. Someone to help me be a parent, because we were not meant to do this alone. It is too hard.
A friend once asked me how I felt about dating "now that you know about Punkin's disability. I mean, it's hard enough to find a guy as a single mom, but then having a kid with issues...." At the time I calmly replied that I hadn't even thought about it. Cause the question was a bit rude, even though she didn't mean it that way. And because I was too busy keeping my head above water with a newborn and The News and just making it every day. But now I do think about it. And I think I'm ready to consider it. I've thought about the "poor single mom disabled kid" thing, and I think it's a little bit crap.
There is some sacrifice involved. But they're the same sacrifices I have made, so I don't see it as insurmountable. It's like the Holland Metaphor. It isn't what you had planned. You always think, "single, free to move around, tiny apartment, ice cream for dinner" evolves into "married, free to move around, slightly larger living quarters if you're lucky, chinese take out for dinner." But in this case, there is no "married without kids."
But the right person, should he exist, sees a ready-made family. Sees the deep appreciation we have for those who appreciate and accept us for who we are. Which really isn't THAT different from what I thought before, although I'd like to think I'm a bit wiser now. Even if I am still only 25 years young.
Haley talked a few weeks ago on her blog about the loneliness of motherhood and pregnancy. I definitely identify with that sentiment. When you're pregnant, there are quite a few limitations on your lifestyle that keep you from engaging with your surroundings in the same way as the people around you through diet and daily activities. And when your children are young, your'e leaving your company to provide for them. To feed them, to tuck them back into bed, to find them a toy, to comfort them when they tumble. And I imagine that while the specifics will change, the basic notion of putting your child before yourself continues as both of you age. But again there is such a sweet side. Having the opportunity to be alone with your child during such tender moments. It's too bad that those moments are instead so often a test of patience. =) It's so difficult to calm down, step back, and see the situation for what it is. I am working hard on trying to be present with Punkin. It's so easy to disassociate from him because of all of our "screen time." We need to get out of the rut before life passes by. Because the rut only adds to the loneliness. This all written on an evening when he put himself to bed at 6:10. I'll write again tomorrow when he's up until 10. =)

8 comments:

Haley-O said...

It's so nice when someone identifies and elaborates on something you talk about on your blog. Thank you, Erika. I love your perspective. And, being "present" whether "with yourself" (in the loneliness that DEFINITELY has a sweet, "self-compassionate" component that can productively translate to your child!) or with your child. Thank you for this. And, you, of course, deserve a WONDERFUL man, and I know you'll find him. you are so young, still, though!! -- lots of time. xoxo

Haley-O said...

I meant to say... being "present" IS EVERYTHING. Forgot the "is everything" part. I learned that from yoga.... And, it's coming very much in handy now. :)

Anonymous said...

I know that God has someone in mind for you. I pray everyday that you two will meet soon; waiting is hard. But it will happen.

And you are an amazing mom.

Love you,
Mom

Anonymous said...

When (notice I don't say if) you meet that someone special know that he will be an amazing person. He will have to be because you are an amazing mom.
Lots of love,
Aunt Kim

Kristiem10 said...

I can relate to the being present thing. Sometimes life's frustrations can make it hard not to disengage. But, you are a great mama. And a lovely person. I know that God has the right man out there for you and Punkin. Jer. 29:11.

Jennie said...

I love the idea of your ready-made family. You and Punkin make a great two-thirds; you make a great whole on your own! Who knows, maybe you and Punkin will make a one-half and he'll get a sister! (Or brother, I guess, but sisters are always better!)

Andrea said...

there is nothing wrong to being who you are!
I also love the fact that you take photos of Punkin when he is doing something he shouldn't. I do the same thing but feel silly because I don't really want him to do that but I can't believe what Captain comes up with sometimes and I just have to capture it on photo :)

Laura said...

You are so thoughtful and intelligent (in addition to your beauty and your big heart). You and Punkin deserve only the BEST man in your lives. No losers allowed. I am praying for him to show up and lend that shoulder, but in the meantime I am so proud of you.