Friday, December 21, 2007

change of heart

Last week, specifically Thursday, I was mad. Just plain mad and anxious and mad. We had no money. And none was going to be coming in. I was mad at myself for not having looked for a better paying job by now. I was mad at SSI for their ridiculous rules. And I was mad at Punkin's dad for being irresponsible and completely incapable of keeping a job. There was no money for rent. No money for groceries. No money for student loans. And certainly no money for Christmas presents. Fortunately, I felt I had Christmas under control because we had signed up for the Angel Tree at the Salvation Army. And I felt a glimmer of hope about SSI (our monthly payments were disappearing) because I had a meeting with them after I picked up his gifts. So I check in at Savation Army. An hour later I call my mom to come sit with me. Thirty minutes later I leave my mom to pick out the presents for me so I don't miss my SSI appointment. I am almost in tears at this point. I haven't felt that deflated in a long time. If I couldn't buy the presents at the store, I at least wanted to be able to pick them out from the tables at charity. But I did the best I could to suck it up and be thankful that at least there were presents to pick up and that my mom was available to do it for me. At the SSI office, it started off pretty bad. Within the first 5 minutes, I thought I was wasting my time. But, as it turns out, one last look at the computer screen prompted a question that changed everything. "Do you have two jobs?" Um, no. (Pampered Chef doesn't count.) In October, I was honest and reported some income from doing my church's newsletter. And even though I wrote very clearly in black ink that it was a one-time payment, it was being calculated into my income every month. The good news? They could fix it for January; this would help me squeeze out rent. And the payments should start steadily increasing from now on. The bad news: the adjustments for other months it was miscalculated would go into Punkin's dedicated account. This money can only be used to buy things that related directly to medical or educational needs. No matter how poor you are, they will not allow you to use it to pay rent. So I left relieved but still sad and frustrated. Oma and I went to the store while Punkin had respite. She had gotten some cute stuff at Salvation Army and we found chocolate covered pretzels at the store, so I was feeling a smidge better. On the way home I bought Wendy's for dinner, which I couldn't really afford. And just as I was sinking back down into my pity party, I opened my mailbox and found a gift from two angels. I will only say that our basic needs are being met this month. And I was able to pick up a few more fun things for Punkin to unwrap on Christmas. The Lord Provides. The past few days have basically been one big sigh of relief.

I am now very ready for Monday and Tuesday, especially after opening these boxes:
My camera is just not as fast as my toddler! All of these pictures are blurry.
Hhmmm. Packing peanuts.
The ONE still shot. Out of twenty. And it's pixalated because I was trying out Action Mode.
What was I thinking????
Do you know how long it took to clean this up???

By the way, everyone on Punkin's dad's side of the family has sent well-wishes, except--of course--his father. Sometimes I'm glad Punkin may never understand that situation. For all of you whose children do question the other parent's lack of support: I do not envy you.

More pictures after the big day! I cannot WAIT to see my sister and the rest of my extended family. My heart is aching for some family time.


FXSmom said...

I was there many times when my kids were babies. It is so hard to have to rely on SSI and an absent parent. I hated it so much and I know that only by the grace of God am I where I am at now. It will all work out and God, your family and all of us blogging friends of yours will be there.

We love ya and punkin too :)

SB said...

Girl, I have BEEN where you are....Oh the stories we could share.... had some BLEAK Christmases In fact, I think I'll post a storu tonight, I am so inspired by your honesty.

Also, do you STILL sell PC stuff? If I live in VA and order from you (wherever you are), can it be shipped directly to me? I don't care for my PC contact here and if it would help you, I'll just order from you instead.

Packing peanut NEVER see the light of day in my house.


Love and Blessings to you this Christmas.

Alice said...

Keep your spirits bright, God always provides a way. I love you, and wish you a Merry Christmas!

Kristiem10 said...

Aww, I am glad you got your SSI issue straightened out. It is wonderful that you have so many people who love you. I hope you enjoy spending time with them on Christmas. It is also great that Punkin doesn't understand a thing about money. Just look at how happy the box and packing peanuts made him! As long as he has his mommy, he's happy. Christmas blessings to you.

Laura said...

I am so glad that your angels came through. I love you so much and I hope you, David, Emily, and your mom and dad have the most blessed of Christmases! I miss you!

Anonymous said...

I do know how long it takes to clean up packing peanuts, but they're soooo much fun for little boys- it's worth it. Can't wait to see you!!!

Aunt Linda

Andrea said...

Merry Christmas E and D!