Sunday, March 16, 2008

people change

Last weekend I had a bit of a revelation. For those of you who don't know, I was engaged once. I called it off about three months into my pregnancy, and he is not in my life at all anymore. So back to my revelation.

I don't like my wedding dress. Now, part of this is about the dress and my evolving tastes in material things. The two sides of myself that struggle against each other. Do I want to live in the sleek city loft or the cozy country house? Do I want the full-skirted, delicately beaded, off-the-shoulder gown or the strapless A-Line with a simple ribbon across the bottom?

But the real evolution is bigger than what I put on my body; clothes are often a reflection of who we are on the inside. Not always, but sometimes. In the case of which white dress you choose for the day everyone is staring at you, I'd say it's definitely a clue.

See, I --like most people--have taken my share of missteps along the way. Even in my relatively short life, I do have a few serious regrets. And I clung to them like a safety net for a long time. As if they somehow defined me. As if people couldn't really know me or love me because of them; they became a wall. And pretty soon it was weighing me down. Big time. But when I put on that dress and I realized that it was no longer a reflection of me, I realized that I've finally let it all go. And I like myself again. And those bad choices that I made and those situations where other people hurt me bad are not what defines me. And I am on the road to living joyfully -- the way God intends. The thing is, God forgave me a long time ago. And I don't need to be forgiven twice. I am a better version of the girl who chose the ruffles. And ruffles are fantastic, I love all things pink and sparkly. I do. But for me, it's fantasy. Sometimes I want the fantasy so badly. But I need normalcy. Real substance.

Ahh, this is going nowhere. Because a dress is a dress. It's a bunch of overpriced material. And I don't believe that if I wore that same dress I picked out as part of a desperate attempt to live the fantasty for a future walk down the isle that it would be doomed. And I don't believe that dresses need to be cleaned and stowed away in a box in my basement. And I don't think they are meaningless, either --obviously. But I do know that in certain instances, the thing should be sold on ebay for as much as possible. And the fake engagement ring should be thrown in as a bonus prize to the winning bidder.


Anonymous said...

Yes, you have changed. THAT dress was a reflection of who you always have been. The girl who wanted sparkly things, Barbie, and a tiara. That girl disappeared for awhile when you were with the donor. I think she started reappearing when you got THAT dress. This doesn't mean you shouldn't try to sell it. Just don't ever put that fantasy part of you away again.

You are loved just the way you are. And I love you more!

FXSmom said...

I'm with Oma. Always just be you...always. Because you are such an incredible and gorgeous human being.

w-huff said...

Forgiving ourselves is always the hardest part, because we are the ones that remember best. I can identify with this post in more ways than one. I remember the girl I was ten years ago when I look at pictures or hear a familiar song, but she is not me. The evolution of who we are is bittersweet. Luckily, you are in the right mindset. Don't cheat your future happiness by dwelling on the past.

Meredith said...

I can so relate to this. I stumbled across your blog and am very glad I did...
Love it.