Saturday, May 31, 2008

maybe it's the weather

people at work as well as family and friends often comment on my patience with punkin and the kids i work with. and i do feel quite calm around them most of the time. i have my moments, but everyone does. i can get wacked in the jaw, for example, by a four-year-old as i am attempting to restrain him so that he stops hitting his head on the floor, and not yell at him or stop my restraint or even let him know he hurt me. he calms down, we go to the nurse to get ice, and we head out to recess. a few hours later i have x-rays done of my jaw -- no signs of fracture. i did not lose my focus or my temper. punkin can dump his milk out on the table (on purpose) or remove his diaper and pee on the carpet (on purpose) and i just roll my eyes and clean it up.

But.

I Feel So Extraordinarily Impatient Today.

not about the punkin, but about life in general. i am itching for a change. the thing that is adding to my frustration is that some of the things i feel impatient about, i have a large amount of control over -- making them happen more quickly, i mean. or at least attempting to change the current situation. other things i have limited or no control over, and that should bother me more. except i keep sitting here waiting for change to happen, for new circumstances to just fall in my lap (which drives my counselor crazy). i'm waiting to just wake up one morning, for example, and no longer crave high fructose corn syrup and yellow dye number six. to instead drink a cold water on my way to the office where i work at a job, no a career, that utilizes my education and my abilities. and has dental. so i end up feeling blech because i haven't sent out any resumes and i have had two mountain dews, when in reality i can change both of those things in about a week. so why don't i?

if my friend were telling me this i would remind him that he deserves to happy.

if my friend were telling me this i would remind her that motherhood doesn't define her. she's still a woman, a person, with dreams and needs and ambitions.

i'm pretty sure most of you are thinking, "so just do it already!" (i know my counselor is.)

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

let me know how i can help--nag, remind nicely, bi...

but yes, you do deserve a change.

Oma

Jennie said...

I know it's hard, but be patient with yourself. It took five years for me to stop being so much Cha-Ching and start thinking in terms of saving money for retirement. You will make your changes gradually. Can you maybe switch to some other drink like tea or Crystal Light that wouldn't be as boring as water? LOVE YOU!

Sarah said...

sometimes it is easy to want to change, but be comfortable in our rut. if giving yourself a deadline helps, maybe you can make it your goal to change these things by the time i get home, that gives you six months, hehe! :) i love you!

Umma said...

Is it possible that you want to change too many things all at once and that is paralyzing you?

When I want to make a change I never think about making a forever change and I do try to do one thing at a time. For instance, I decided I wanted to try going for a month without high fructose corn syrup. I worked at it, I found a soft drink company (Jones) that uses cane sugar instead of HFCS because I love my rootbeer! Then I started watching labels and switching brands as necessary. Everything in my pantry is now HFCS free and I don't even know if it's been a month or longer, it became habit along the way and now I can think about the next change.

Trying to change things all at once is a recipe for failure for me :-)